Bad Luck Goes Global (a/k/a I test out the new Passengers' Bill of Rights so you don't have to)

Those of you who have known me for a while (I'm looking at you, college friends) are quite familiar with my terrible travel luck.  The saving grace of the situation was that it seemed to be limited to domestic travel, while my international travels survived largely unscathed.  All of that changed yesterday.

I headed to Newark airport for a 6:35pm departure with beating down sun and blue skies.  Everything went according to schedule and we pulled away from the gate exactly on time.  Little did we know that the President was approaching the city for the UN conference.  This single fact would turn out to be the first in a line of dominoes that would result in one of my most ridiculous travel debacles to date.

Despite our "on-time departure," we were in a line of planes about 40 deep.  For over an hour we didn't move an inch.  The pilot couldn't even give us an estimate of how long it would be.  They turned off one engine to conserve fuel - "We have plenty, but why not have more, right?" - and we continued to wait.  Unbeknownst to us, the entire traffic pattern in the area was shut down due to the President's arrival.

About an hour and a half later we were allowed to move, only to be stopped again after a few minutes, this time on account of weather.  Now we turned off both engines (no quippy comments from the pilot about fuel this time) and sat quietly as a severe thunderstorm rolled through.  I sat looking out the window of our tin can as lightning bolts struck the ground all around us.  The crew was kind enough to give us water and pretzels and let us watch movies.  The universe had conspired to create the only combination of circumstances under which I would watch the new Karate Kid movie, witnessing the destruction of one of my childhood favorites.

And then things started to go really crazy.  Due to the newly enacted Passengers' Bill of Rights, all of the planes that were waiting out the storm were forced to return to gates after 2.5 hours on the tarmac.  We were given the option of getting off the plane or staying on, with the understanding that as soon as everyone got back on we could go back out and sit for another 2.5 hours.  Our charming pilot was still fixated on fuel – “The good news is, at the gate we can put on more fuel.  We have plenty, but you never know.”  Most people chose to get off the plane.  I did not, not wanting to deal with the inevitable bedlam that would be the reboarding process. 

What was supposed to be a quick stop at the gate lasted about an hour.  After I had finished the crossword puzzle, from which the prior passenger had conveniently ripped out the first few clues (and after young Jaden had realized that taking his jacket off and on about 1000 times had taught him actual kung fu), the crew came on the intercom to tell us that everyone now had to get off the plane.  Why?  Because they had no way of knowing who had gotten off and who hadn't and their only solution was to entirely redo the boarding process.

The terminal was largely empty, with only a few "final re-boarding calls" echoing through the corridors.  About 45 minutes later we were all re-boarded and ready to go (in case you were curious, elite miles members also get to re-board first).  Murphy's Law being what it is, this is logically when a mechanical problem surfaced.  Apparently some sort of battery or charger or whatever needed to be replaced, and I am going to assume for the sake of my own sanity that they could not have discovered this sooner.  And to fix the problem they had to turn off the AC.  At this point, everyone on the plane had to laugh at the pure absurdity of it all.

The laughter quickly faded as the plane became a sauna and more than half an hour elapsed in sweltering heat.  Finally all was fixed and we were set to be on our way.  Our pilot, ever the comedian, tried to console us - "We have a plan.  It will be a same-day arrival.  We were supposed to get there on Thursday and we’ll get there on Thursday."  This time nobody was laughing.

We pulled away from the gate for a second time, 5 hours after our first departure.  And now we were finally able to...sit and wait.  Even though we had been delayed by politics, weather and mechanics at this point, we were still 20th in line for takeoff.  Nearly every plane still at the airport, including 2 UPS planes and 4 FedEx planes, were allowed to take off before we did.  At long last, after midnight, I had 2 red wines, some nasty turbulence and Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too to see me off to sleep.

So now I am finally in Zurich, half a day late and a little worse for the wear.  But at least I was so late that I was able to check into my room.  And hey, who gets to nab a picture of the sign declaring that the flight that they're on has departed?

Moral of the story:  If you try to fly out when the President is coming to your city, you might lose a day of vacation.  Oh, and if you want to watch The Karate Kid, stick with the original.